rietta89

So I was trawling through my WIP folder in search of something (anything!) to leap out at me with some inspiration for today's 200 words. Instead, I found this--it's not likely to ever get polished into an Actual Fic, but I thought it might make someone smile, so here: have some absolute nonsense featuring Biggles & Co (plus EvS) discussing arrangements for a duel:

“I say, do you need a second, old boy? They tell me I’m a rather good shot. Not that I’ve done much duelling, mind. Bit illegal and all that. Still, there’s a first time for everything, what?”

“Bertie, for goodness’ sake, you’re a policeman! You can’t go getting involved in duels,” Ginger protested in alarm.

“Nobody is getting involved in a duel,” Biggles stated firmly.

“I shall not require a second, thank you, Lord Lissie,” von Stalhein said stiffly. “I have no intention of missing.”

“Erich!”

“He insulted you.”

“So have you, if it comes to that!”

“More times than he has,” Algy nodded with amusement.

Von Stalhein looked offended. “I don’t believe that is true, Lacey. I am not in the habit of insulting Major Bigglesworth.”

“That’s true, actually,” Ginger agreed. “You usually just sing his praises whilst trying to kill him.”

“Personally, I find attempted murder very insulting,” Algy observed.

“I could always shoot you next, Lacey,” von Stalhein said, dangerously softly.

“Are you all deaf? Nobody is shooting anybody!” Biggles shouted in exasperation.

“Swords it is, then,” Bertie remarked cheerfully. “Can you fence, old boy?”

Von Stalhein looked affronted. “I was three years at Heidelberg.”

“That means ‘yes’,” Algy translated for Ginger’s benefit; German universities with an historic tradition of duelling were not his specialist subject.

“Do you know, I gathered that,” Ginger murmured back.

“In fact, if you get up early enough, he’ll give you a demonstration.”

“I’d be happy to give you a demonstration first-hand, Lacey.” Von Stalhein sounded as though he was gritting his teeth.

“Oh, come now, that’s just showing off,” Bertie protested. “Bally bad form, if you see what I mean. You just fight one duel at a time, there’s a good lad. Now, did we settle on a time and place?”

“No we did not,” Biggles said quickly. “And we’re not going to! If I catch even one of you duelling, it’ll be handcuffs—I’m warning you!”

“Promises, promises,” Algy murmured.

Biggles lifted his eyes to the heavens and exhaled heavily. “Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t arrest the lot of you now and be done with it.”

“We’re policemen,” said Ginger.

“And we haven’t done anything illegal,” added Algy.

“You’ve scheduled a duel!”

“No we haven’t,” Bertie argued. “We haven’t agreed a time or a place.”

“No, only a weapon!”

“Oh, we’re definitely agreed on swords, then?”

“The only thing we seem agreed on,” ground out Biggles, “is that you’ll all be in handcuffs come tomorrow.”

“One reason?” von Stalhein murmured quietly, and they all turned to face him. “You only have one pair of handcuffs.”

“That’s all you know!”

Von Stalhein looked mildly interested. “In that case,” he said, “I believe dawn is the traditional time for a duel—Mr Jones?”

There was no answer. Mr Jones appeared to have vanished.

“Well now, isn’t that a shame?” Bertie murmured. “I was looking forward to a jolly old clashing of blades.”

“That could still be arranged,” von Stalhein observed, eyeing Algy speculatively.

“I’ll pass, thanks,” Algy said mildly. “My ears are burden enough without adding a scarred cheek to the mix. Besides, I thought you wanted to defend Biggles’s honour? Believe me, he’s levelled far more insults at me than I ever have at him.”

Ginger sighed heavily. “For goodness’ sake, Algy; accusing Biggles of insulting you is hardly the way to defuse this situation.”

“Why defuse it?” Algy shrugged. “It’s clear friend Erich is spoiling for a fight. He won’t be happy until he ends up in Biggles’ handcuffs.”