A little insanity for your Tuesday night (random fic scribbles)

[rietta89]

So I was trawling through my WIP folder in search of something (anything!) to leap out at me with some inspiration for today's 200 words. Instead, I found this--it's not likely to ever get polished into an Actual Fic, but I thought it might make someone smile, so here: have some absolute nonsense featuring Biggles & Co (plus EvS) discussing arrangements for a duel:

“I say, do you need a second, old boy? They tell me I’m a rather good shot. Not that I’ve done much duelling, mind. Bit illegal and all that. Still, there’s a first time for everything, what?”

“Bertie, for goodness’ sake, you’re a policeman! You can’t go getting involved in duels,” Ginger protested in alarm.

“Nobody is getting involved in a duel,” Biggles stated firmly.

“I shall not require a second, thank you, Lord Lissie,” von Stalhein said stiffly. “I have no intention of missing.”

“Erich!”

“He insulted you.”

“So have you, if it comes to that!”

“More times than he has,” Algy nodded with amusement.

Von Stalhein looked offended. “I don’t believe that is true, Lacey. I am not in the habit of insulting Major Bigglesworth.”

“That’s true, actually,” Ginger agreed. “You usually just sing his praises whilst trying to kill him.”

“Personally, I find attempted murder very insulting,” Algy observed.

“I could always shoot you next, Lacey,” von Stalhein said, dangerously softly.

“Are you all deaf? Nobody is shooting anybody!” Biggles shouted in exasperation.

“Swords it is, then,” Bertie remarked cheerfully. “Can you fence, old boy?”

Von Stalhein looked affronted. “I was three years at Heidelberg.”

“That means ‘yes’,” Algy translated for Ginger’s benefit; German universities with an historic tradition of duelling were not his specialist subject.

“Do you know, I gathered that,” Ginger murmured back.

“In fact, if you get up early enough, he’ll give you a demonstration.”

“I’d be happy to give you a demonstration first-hand, Lacey.” Von Stalhein sounded as though he was gritting his teeth.

“Oh, come now, that’s just showing off,” Bertie protested. “Bally bad form, if you see what I mean. You just fight one duel at a time, there’s a good lad. Now, did we settle on a time and place?”

“No we did not,” Biggles said quickly. “And we’re not going to! If I catch even one of you duelling, it’ll be handcuffs—I’m warning you!”

“Promises, promises,” Algy murmured.

Biggles lifted his eyes to the heavens and exhaled heavily. “Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t arrest the lot of you now and be done with it.”

“We’re policemen,” said Ginger.

“And we haven’t done anything illegal,” added Algy.

“You’ve scheduled a duel!”

“No we haven’t,” Bertie argued. “We haven’t agreed a time or a place.”

“No, only a weapon!”

“Oh, we’re definitely agreed on swords, then?”

“The only thing we seem agreed on,” ground out Biggles, “is that you’ll all be in handcuffs come tomorrow.”

“One reason?” von Stalhein murmured quietly, and they all turned to face him. “You only have one pair of handcuffs.”

“That’s all you know!”

Von Stalhein looked mildly interested. “In that case,” he said, “I believe dawn is the traditional time for a duel—Mr Jones?”

There was no answer. Mr Jones appeared to have vanished.

“Well now, isn’t that a shame?” Bertie murmured. “I was looking forward to a jolly old clashing of blades.”

“That could still be arranged,” von Stalhein observed, eyeing Algy speculatively.

“I’ll pass, thanks,” Algy said mildly. “My ears are burden enough without adding a scarred cheek to the mix. Besides, I thought you wanted to defend Biggles’s honour? Believe me, he’s levelled far more insults at me than I ever have at him.”

Ginger sighed heavily. “For goodness’ sake, Algy; accusing Biggles of insulting you is hardly the way to defuse this situation.”

“Why defuse it?” Algy shrugged. “It’s clear friend Erich is spoiling for a fight. He won’t be happy until he ends up in Biggles’ handcuffs.”

Comments

[black_bentley]

"...He won’t be happy until he ends up in Biggles’ handcuffs."

WON'T HE, INDEED??? ;) This is excellent fun, and all the character voices are great - I particularly like Bertie cheerfully accepting that of course there's going to be a duel. And naturally he'd volunteer to be Erich's second! :D

[rietta89]

Thank you! Bertie is always so much fun to write 😁

[sweetsorcery]

:D :D :D
As someone who's all for the romantic notion of defending your beloved's honour in a duel, I can only say this is perfect as it is and could absolutely be called complete.

Alternatively, if you should decide to expand it, I'll be dropping whatever I'm doing and leaping on it. :D

So many things to love! Erich's determination to defend Biggles, Bertie being knowledgeable about it all of course, Algy nearly getting himself scheduled for the next duel, Biggles desperately trying to defuse all his favourite idiots, Ginger being clever beyond his years, and Erich being intrigued by multiple handcuffs... what does he have in mind?

[chanter1944]

The entirety of what you said, but from me. My eloquence has failed me! XD

[sweetsorcery]

Hehe

[rietta89]

Thank you! I'm not very likely to expand it, but that's not to say I won't get sucked into writing something vaguely connected relating to Biggles' handcuffs 🤔

[sweetsorcery]

Well... that, too, is certainly something to look forward to. :D

[philomytha]

AMAZING

Every single line of this caps the previous one perfectly! Erich is indeed perfectly happy to sing Biggles’s praises while trying to murder him, would happily scar Algy’s cheek for him, and would not mind at all if Biggles gets the handcuffs out sometime! I love Biggles trying to get a word in edgewise while everyone talks at once, and Bertie being disturbingly enthusiastic about duels, and Algy cheerfully stirring the pot, and everything about this, your dialogue is sheer perfection <333

[rietta89]

Thank you, I'm so glad you enjoyed it! 💕

[sholio]

This is an absolute DELIGHT. <3333 Erich challenging people to duels to defend Biggles's honor definitely needs to be in all the fics, and I absolutely love Bertie gleefully jumping in as his second, Algy being the opposite of helpful, and Biggles desperately trying to keep a lid on the violence as things spin out of control. The character voices are all excellent.

To be honest, I feel very strongly that it can easily be complete as-is and should be posted to AO3 so all can enjoy! But if you don't, I'm very glad you offered it because this was a terrific little interlude and I thoroughly enjoyed it.

[rietta89]

Thank you, I'm so glad you enjoyed it! I will consider posting it across to AO3; it doesn't feel quite complete to me, but that's probably because I had vague ideas about the setting and context that would have formed more of an introduction if I'd polished it up properly. Hmm... 🤔

[sheron]

“It’s clear friend Erich is spoiling for a fight. He won’t be happy until he ends up in Biggles’ handcuffs.”

Ahahahaha! This is hilarious.

Erich is indeed angling for something here ♥

I love them <3

[rietta89]

Yes, yes he is...

Thank you! 💕

[chanter1944]

You, Rietta89, win an Internet, or at the very least the fic-scribbling corners of same. I read this over celebratory, negative Covid test=out of self-isolation curry, and when I got to Bertie's cheerful agreement that it'll be swords, then, I nearly spluttered a mouthful for laughing aloud!

[rietta89]

Thank you! And I'm sorry I nearly made you splutter your dinner. That is an excellent reason for a celebration! 😁

[chanter1944]

No need to be sorry; reading excellent, hilarious fic is a perfectly acceptable reason to splutter! Every line of this is pitch perfect for the characters involved, truly.